Newly Single - Ros Welch Counselling & Psychotherapy

The ending of a relationship is often full of questions and they usually come from a feeling of rejection, there is no right way to feel but ‘feel’ is what you need to do, and anger can often stop that process of acceptance.

Some of us prefer being in a bad relationship than being alone..

.. but, when bad times outweigh the good something needs to change, its over and its time to look to the future. Being single is better than having to live with doubts. Try not to romanticize the past or to believe it is all bad, shift your focus to the present. Allow yourself to grieve, the relationship you have lost and the future you thought you would have together. You loved them once and maybe you always will but that love will change and it does not need to change to hate, what is has become is incompatibility, develop an understanding of your needs and those of your ex.

Relationships end for a reason, your ex isn’t the only person on the planet capable of loving you, rejection damages self-esteem and it is important to reconnect with those who love and care for you independent of that relationship and to ask those people to not take sides and respect that once your ex was the person who you wanted to be with most.

If you have been sharing a home and maybe children, finances can be difficult to resolve, identify what needs to be done, break it down into small steps and take one at a time, it is likely that you will both take a drop in lifestyle and face many more organisational challenges as you have to live apart.

Endings are often messy sometimes there are a few bounces on the way, a night or two together as you seek comfort from someone who is used to your ways but, forgive yourself and try to focus on what comes next.

Good friends always try to get you dating without realising that you need some time to get used to being you and to recognise those feelings of hurt without them being ignored for the distraction of a few Tinder hook-ups.

Consider what sort of relationship is going to work for the new you, it is likely that you will have changed during the period of being together so the same type of partner may not suit you any longer.

Think of how that relationship started, what attracted you? Did you have shared bad experiences? Was it just because you didn’t want to be alone? Was it just a hook-up that neither of you bothered to end because it fitted in with your friends? Were you looking for someone to ‘rescue’ you? Did they remind you of someone in the past, did the romance blind you to their faults?

Think of the things that you wanted to do but didn’t because you had to consider your ex in every decision you made, allow yourself to feel free, to look for what makes you feel happy, that fits in with your values and don’t wait, do it now.